The Moment

My mom, she’s totally the reason I now have a blog ❤️ Recently I went to a class and while the details of me attending that class aren’t important what I took from sitting there was huge! At the end of the class the gentleman speaking said, “write down something you remember your mom or dad always telling you, fold it and hand it in.” I knew right away what to write down. It wasn’t necessarily something my mom said to me over and over every day, but she did say it, even more so she SHOWED it! I scribbled down the words on the small piece of paper while my son looked over my shoulder, then grabbing it, he read it, smiled a little, and folded it to be passed up front with all the others. The gentleman started to read the papers aloud. In my opinion, some were awful, some were sad, some shocked me in that of all things to remember your parents saying “snitches get stitches” was the one that stuck out and was jotted down in that moment. More than one paper actually said that! Some people laughed and, yes, I get the humor of it. I am usually the person laughing at things most people would be upset by. It didn’t bother me, everyone has their own way of thinking. I was at the class with a purpose though and taking it seriously because, even if It didn’t all apply to my life or my son’s life, enough of it did. The speaker continued to read on, a few crushed my heart. Things like “we don’t talk about what happens behind closed doors”. Imagine being told that? Imagine that sometimes when your home life is less then perfect you can’t go and vent or talk to a friend? You can’t seek or confide in someone when you need to for fear of punishment or breaking the house rule. I would hate to live that (I tried that, never talked about things, put on a good show when I needed too, now I know better). I know that owning your story and telling it when someone needs to hear it is a good thing. Admitting your fears and letting others know how you got over them can be useful advice. I sat there with my son in the chair next to me with a blank stare and millions of emotions ran through me. My son didn’t do the exercise. They had only given me and him one paper and I took it. I’m glad I took it cause I don’t know what he would have written. What if he wrote something non encouraging. What if it was something I’ve said time and time again and it’s not kind or good but he’s heard it straight from my mouth and remembers it anyway. I just tried to take it all in as those papers were being read. Then the speaker got to mine, My son knew it was mine cause he had folded it all special. In front of this entire room of people, some young, some old my little piece of paper was unfolded, the speaker stood there with his hand in the air holding my words, with a grin on his face, before he read my mother’s words that I had printed on that paper, aloud to everyone in that room he said “this! This is awesome! This was an amazing parent”. On my paper I had written what always comes to mind when I think of the single mom that raised me and it wasn’t a rhyme or quote every one has heard or read, it was common sense really, it was plain and simple, it was what everyone should instill in children when raising them. “learn to support and take care of yourself, learn to be independent.” I was primarily raised by a single woman, a hardworking, dedicated, god loving, Christian woman. She never planned for divorce or single mom status and it certainly came as a shock when she was raising two toddlers alone without a college education. She didn’t search for an easy way out or a man to support her. She didn’t wait around in hopes of being rescued and taken care of. That wasn’t the type of person my mom was and she could have been trust me! She was young and beautiful. She was and still is an amazing cook and homemaker, she can iron a button up dress shirt better than the cleaners! She could have found herself a man to support her and her kids no problem. Being without a husband wasn’t what she wanted and it certainly wasn’t planned for. She had planned to be a wife and a mom, and her skills were on point. She was single because shit happens. People stop watering their garden. What is planted starts to die. You can put in the work to bring it back to life, it’s hard work though, requiring two committed gardeners. It may take a while to see it bloom again, or you can walk away and try to plant again. My dad had a few gardens and sadly they all wilted time and time again. He was definitely no master gardener. My mom knew standing there a single mom with two girls that even if she did find a great man, if she was the only one tending the garden, she could easily end up standing in this very same spot again some day. My mother, being an intelligent women, wasn’t ever going to let that be the case. She was going to write a different story and know the ending this time. She pulled herself back together and watered what was left of that garden and was devoted to making it grow even if she only had herself to do it. My mom took the cards she was dealt and she made shit work! ( “it” or “stuff” can be inserted; my mom hates curse words). She was thrown a curveball and she could have reacted any number of ways people do. She could have played the poor me, my life is ruined, she could have run back to her family. They would have taken us all in. She didn’t. When faced with probably the biggest storm of her life she didn’t let it wash her away. She didn’t let anger or resentment get the best of her. My mom chose to stand where she had been planted, calmly knowing this too shall pass.

My mom worked hard, she paid the bills, like I said she was a Christian woman and raising us the same. We went to church and that church family of ours they helped any where and anytime. That church family is still our family and was a huge part of how I built clients when I was a new stylist. They are loyal supportive people with hearts of gold. They were my examples of strong healthy marriages and how I knew what a good supportive friend was. They didn’t wait to see my mom struggling, they were there already by her side whether she needed it or not. They wanted the best for my mom and us. When I was no longer a child or living at home anymore they still cared. They wanted me to succeed as a stylist. They stuck with me through I’m sure some not so great haircuts because my success was that important to them! They knew being raised by a mom like mine I was gonna put in the hard work to succeed. They loved me as one of their very own children and I think of them all as second parents. That church family was planted by God in that empty space in mom’s garden. It bloomed right when it was supposed to. My Mom didn’t have family living close by. She didn’t have a mom ten minutes away like I have. That never mattered because she had that church family. She knew everything happened in life for a reason, she knew things get better with time, and mostly she knew God won’t give you more then you can handle.

My mom never received assistance or any kind of government aid. I don’t think she ever even wasted a minute to look into that, she was a busy woman with two girls and she was building a life of her own the best she could. She had a good support system of friends. She had her church family. She could have asked for anything and I’m sure they would have helped her get it. She didn’t though. She made the money she had stretch and asking favors was a last resort and not for borrowing money. My mom never owned a nice car or even a dependable car when I was growing up, (2015 was the first time I have known my mom to even have a car payment) we broke down in the heat of the summer in no name places more than once when she was taking us to see our dad. It was way before cellphones and even if it hadn’t been I don’t think she would have had one. It would have never been a priority and she wouldn’t have owned something so lavish for herself. (My mom didn’t waste money on herself or fancy things period!) She always figured something out, she would use those favors from friends or pray for a solution. Praying with faith like my mom had never let us down. A kind stranger at a diner would offer us lunch as we sat amongst our luggage on the curb outside waiting for help or a gracious passing vehicle would rescue us along side the road. It always worked itself out, we made it to dad’s and mom back home. She would spend her childless time cleaning, painting our bedrooms or working extra for that school clothes shopping fund. My mom made sure we always had nice clothes and everything we needed for school. I actually once had a classmate say “well that’s because you’re rich” that little gal was definitely mistaken! Yes we lived in a large home, the home my parents built and was for the most part finished when my dad left, but we were far from money rich. We never had cable Television and I still to this day have never owned or for that matter played a video game, well maybe wii bowling with my son. I don’t have cable even now at my own home and you can accomplish a lot when you aren’t distracted by TV, plus it cost a stupid amount of money and well I am after all my mother’s child. We only ever had a wood burning stove and that was our single source of heat for that large geodesic dome home. Carrying wood in from the cold and making a fire wasn’t my favorite thing but neither was freezing. We had a swamp (evaporated) cooler and trust me it never made the place 72 degrees, there was no adjustable thermostat either. My sister and I would move our rooms from upstairs to downstairs with the seasons, my mom didn’t care and never said a word about it or the hundreds of holes we put in the walls hanging magazine cut outs, posters or fabric across the opening of our closets. Closets that at one time had doors, doors we broke being rowdy kids or fighting over meaningless things. Mom was mad, but those doors were just objects, material things. No one was hurt, harmed and accidents happen. My sister and I did try to fight one another to the death more than once. We only ever won a trip to the emergency room, maybe some stitches, and a deep long exhale accompanied by an eye roll from mom. My mom of course didn’t have the money to fix closet doors, so good thing she wasn’t materialistic. She could come home to that chaos giving us one look, that mom stare, the look that needs no words and sends the message loud and clear. We knew enough to apologize and then get to work cleaning bedrooms and doing anything to show that we were more useful alive than dead . She didn’t beat us or go crazy over things. Man, oh man, have I seen some parents get crazy and then they are all stunned when their offspring comes back at them just as crazy ! You get what you give. Attitude is everything. Anger fuels anger. We didn’t have to have closet doors and so we didn’t. Plus My mom had tons of sewing fabric and she didn’t have a lot of time for sewing, so being the thoughtful daughters we were we made lots of uses for all that fabric and then it wouldn’t be sitting there reminding her of the things she hadn’t got around to making. We definitely would have been in big trouble if we had some of the parents kids I knew growing up did. Heck I know now having my own child that it takes a lot of self control to not lose my mind when shit gets broke or ruined. It cost some good money to repair things and replace furniture. My son and his wild wolf pack of friends have managed to conquer the chair lean. They can lean back so well balanced on those two back chair legs and with such commitment that every dining room chair in our house is at the repurpose rehab being turned into a bench with what’s left of them. I don’t think bench leaning and balance will be nearly as easy for those boys to master. I am always reminding myself that accidents happen, harsh words, anger and blame can really hit your Child’s core and sit there in their memory forever. I want to fill my son with all kinds of positive words and great advice. I sometimes fail at that though. I try so much to be cautious with my words and tone when angry. My mom always could calmly handle things, she never insulted, belittled, or compared my sister and me to each other or anyone for that matter. Not that comparison is wrong but usually when accompanying angry we compare peoples faults or downfalls and that can be harsh on ones character. My mom wasn’t a yeller and even if deep down she wanted to scream and cry she didn’t, at least not when we were around to see it. I’m sure there were days when she was at her breaking point. Days she didn’t want to get up and do it all again. She handed those days over to God. She plowed through self doubt and worry. She had important things to do. My mom did punish us and she did teach us to care for the things we did have. We did know breaking stuff and being assholes wasn’t okay. We knew to always be a respectful guest when staying at places other than home and to offer to help with any task at hand. She taught me to always care no matter what and to take care. Take care of yourself was what she meant. Eat healthy, always show up looking your best, do your hair, wear a smile and be a kind person. She taught us all that and she never spent a dime on herself for clothes or anything for that matter, still though she always was put together and beautiful. She put us before herself always, so much so that even when she did remarry it wasn’t for long, not because he wasn’t good to her or us, but because after so many years of it being all about my sister and me it was hard to make room for a marriage, hard to find that balance again, and so she sacrificed the second chance she had at love. I never thought of all she gave up until I became a mom myself and now I understand. It’s hard for me to find balance being a mom and working. It was a struggle to find a partner that understands my and my son’s relationship. I made a list of deal breakers to save myself from dead end relationships. I knew my heart was a little hardened but if I gave up on love all together my son may not learn what a loving relationship is. He wouldn’t witness how a man should care for the woman he loves. He won’t know how a good woman should treat her man. My son will always be my first concern. I’m grateful he understands I still need a partner. Someone to be by my side when he’s grown and gone. My mom gave my sister and me all of herself and never did she waste time regretting it. She never thought of herself or made plans for a life after we were grown and gone. Most parents put their children first, I know that. I do that. My mom put us first and second. She lived to take care of us. She didn’t go out with her friends for dinner or to get a break from the kids. She didn’t sleep in on her days off and she never was hungover from a late night at the bar. My mom has never ever drank alcohol nor smoked in her life! Not even once. Never! She always said “your body is a temple” and while so many people say that she actually treated hers as such. She gave up soda a long time ago, went from vegetarian to vegan, not because she had to but because she believes that was best for her health. She doesn’t have pierced ears or a tattoo, the only “jewelry” she has ever worn was a watch. She is the truest example of treating your body as a temple. I like to eat whatever. I put plastic in the microwave, (my mom doesn’t like plastic for food, glass only!) My vocabulary contains curse words, I enjoy adult beverages, I have decorated my temple with all sorts of art and piercings. As you can imagine my mom was less than thrilled by my free spirit. Growing up there were some heated debates on things like piercings and tattoos. My sister and I both managed to wait to pursue those things well into our late 20s and yes my mom was still heartbroken over it. Heartbroken but forgiving being the woman she is she never throws it in my face and I have a lot of ink. She does however continue to ask “did you get a new tattoo!?” Anytime I wear clothes that show more then my obvious ones. It’s actually hilarious and I always reply “No mom I have had that tattoo for a while” whether it’s new or not. I know she hates them, it isn’t her thing and she doesn’t understand why I want them but I know she loves me either way.

My mom taught us so much in the short 18 years she had to do it, Most moms do, it’s what moms are for. I learned that normal stuff all moms teach, I teach it now cause I’m a mom myself. My mom then took it to another level. She taught me things my friends never learned like how to sew and make amazing one of a kind things. She taught me all the things Dads usually teach like how to hang curtains, drive my 5 speed civic and paint. Then she added extra helpful hints for life. How to take care of what I had. To always read the washing instructions on clothing, never to dry clothes on high heat if I wanted them to last and check pockets of your jeans so you don’t have to buy another chapstick. She taught me pretty much everything I can do besides being a hairstylist (she did however go to the ends of the earth to make sure I could attend beauty school) and then on top of it all because of the woman she is without even saying anything she taught me Compassion, morals, forgiveness and to be independent. She taught me to have faith and to be a reliable person. She didn’t even ever have to say it. My mom lived it and I watched her. She was single, busy and had kids and was still helping people! She did so much for my sister and me and then she still found time to help anyone in need! She always made a dish for church potluck and usually taught a class at church on top of being the leader of the pathfinder youth group. She was super mom and super woman. I could go on forever and ever. I could write a book on my mother’s selfless acts. Did this mean she raised two perfect women ? No, not by any means. My sister and I were rebellious. We broke the rules and made mistakes just like most kids do. We made our own choices. Our dad was definitely an influential part of our lives as well when we did see him. My dad and mom differ in so many ways. Sometimes I wonder how they ever ended up married. I love my Dad and he’s a talented, jack of trades, good man. He has ink, can curse like a sailor, and loves a cold beer. When I think of my Dad my first thought is “never met a stranger”. It’s probably best he is so outgoing since he never stays in one place very long. He has a gypsy soul and is always traveling by land in whatever will make it, at one time that included a moped scooter. At Sea, across the pacific, sailing the open waters. My charming dad hasn’t ever met a stranger. He talks to anyone that will listen and always calls people by their name, the lady running the register at Walmart included. I know I get my crazy wild side from him, he knows it too. My mom and I have different views about a lot of things in life, we sometimes make each other crazy with our differences in opinions. Still I have so much of my mom in me and the older I get the more I notice it. I carry a purse, not a small one, and an additional bag almost every where I go, just like my mom (always good to have random stuff on had if someone needs something). I love books and I now have my own large collection of fabric. I overextend myself helping others cause its what I know and warms the heart. My mom does the same. She is the busiest woman I know and still never is too busy to help others! I got lucky and some of her most amazing personality traits also became mine (my loud outrageous laugh included). I strive to be a woman like my mother but that doesn’t mean we don’t fight. My mom has got so angry at me one time she literally walked in with a thanksgiving dish looked at me (and my new tattoo) set down the dish and walked back outside. I have been so angry at my mom I have done some sudden rash things and most of them were far worse then walking outside for a breather when you see your daughters now sporting a tattoo half the size of her arm. Still I know despite the short lived anger and differences that no matter what I need, if I call my mom, she will do whatever she possibly can to save the day just as she has done my whole life. I’m not perfect and My mom knows that, trust me, but she loves me regardless.

We take out of our childhood and life in general what we want and we all perceive things differently. I know the things I remember differ from what my sister does. I know my sister was older and maybe that’s why even living in the same home growing up and having the same mom we have completely different stories. Maybe her bright blue eyes didn’t see things the way mine did. Her perception was maybe off. Her heart maybe didn’t have all the soft spots for everything that needed to get in there. She may not have got a soul of a saint like the soul mom gave me. Maybe she possesses it all deep down inside and just hasn’t had the moment yet. The moment I had sitting there in that class with my own son, taking it all in, listening to those words other people had written. I wonder if anyone in that room was paying attention as much as I was? Did what I wrote make them stop and think. Did those parents in that room do any self evaluation? I did when mine was read and I knew what it said already! I wrote it! I didn’t know though until it was read aloud and introduced first with “this! This is awesome!” How truly amazing my little piece of paper was and then how scarce a mom like mine was!

My mom WAS and IS amazing. She is the kind of woman you want to know and if you know her you know she’s a once in a lifetime friend. She’s the woman you see on Oprah and Ellen getting big checks for her amazing heart, selfless acts and compassion. She’s the woman they name parks and humanitarian awards after. I have always known my mom was a good mother and she has the personality of someone everyone loves. But sitting in that class listening to what others had written on their paper well it hit me deep in my soul! My heart hurt for those who didn’t have what I did in a parent. Did my mom know she was so amazing? I’ve told her she’s amazing, but she’s my mom. Did my mom realize that everything I grew to be was her doing ? That daily I am pushing myself to be the kind of mom she was and still is. At 35 I have lived an amazing life and yes I can say that even though I have been divorced, suffered and mourned the loss of my best friend, been fired or rather asked to leave more than one salon, and started almost completely over twice, both times by choice because even though starting over is stressful and scary, I knew I was capable of it and so when my heart wasn’t in love and I didn’t see a future, when I was the only on watering the garden, I walked out with my resilient son in tow. I can say I have an amazing life cause I was taught and raised by an amazing parent! My mom! She taught me to be happy with the simple things. To live within my means (that one didn’t click til about 29/30) but trust me learn this one early! I was taught to be happy for other people’s success (also very hard to do in a world of competition and jealousy and took some time to sink in) now I know and have experienced it, trust me when I say other people’s success can be just as exciting as our own. Having all this in a parent growing up wasn’t something I noticed, it was all I knew. It was normal life to me to have a reliable, dependable, caring parent. Yes my mom worked and sometimes more than one job but I knew nothing else so it didn’t matter to me. What mattered was everything she did when she had one spare minute or dime because it was always about us. Even working two jobs was about us! She could have lived on 40 hours a week she’s a simple woman. She could have worked part time and signed up for food stamps and we would have survived. She wasn’t that mom though, she was strong and she was going to raise strong women. She was the kind of mom everyone should have! She would drop anything and everything for her girls and trust me she still does. She knew we needed that security. She was all we had. I was fortunate to be married for a good portion of my son’s early life and have the help a lot of people probably take for granted in their spouse. The last 5 or so years I have had to step up my game being my child’s only drop everything person. It’s hard, it’s really hard, I don’t know how my mom did it for two kids. I’m sure some people gave my mom grief over it when she had to drop everything for us. I feel that sometimes too. Yes I have lots of friends that would do anything for my boy and I know that, sometimes though my son needs me and only me. I know by the tone in his voice when I’m the only thing that can help, it puts me in high alert and no matter what I am there. I have been at work and said “Hunter needs me” and ran out the door leaving my client with foil in their hair. That’s probably not a luxury everyone has but I work with some straight up got your back no questions asked women. Those women are also moms and more than that they are friends who give support when I need them. Those women along with my mom are my saving grace when I’m falling apart. God planted me in that “Zen” garden. He knew I needed those women in my life. My mom was all I ever needed. She was also all I had . I am all my son has. I am his provider, teacher, role model and listening ear. I am his first phone call when he needs someone. I want to be everything he needs me to be just like my mom was! I want him to one day be able to write something “awesome” on HIS piece of paper!

I want him to learn independence, compassion, hard work and reliability from me! I want him to remember that I worked hard for him to have the best in life. That he was my driving force to being successful. That I always was there if he needed me and that I always will be! That being a mom to him has been the most fulfilling thing in my life! I love the shit out of my kid! Sometimes I wonder if I will be enough of what he needs. I try to tell myself God choose me to be this boy’s mom so God can figure out what do to when he needs more than me. My son has a lot of me in him. People know he’s my kid. He of course got amazing hair from me and a million dollar smile to go with it. He’s seriously gorgeous and people are always letting him know it to. He has an amazing personality and a caring heart. He can do pretty much anything I can do except drive cause he’s only 14. He has been the best sidekick, house keeper, and landscaper while I work long days doing hair. He has been everything I needed. He is one of my biggest fans and he still as a high schooler will shout “Mom, I love you” no matter the place.

I’m not expecting my son to be anything but happy in life, just as my mom expected of me. I know he is his very own person and has ideas about what he wants for his future. I know he will make me proud. He has seen so many things and experienced so much In Life already. Things that weren’t easy and not what I wanted for my son to face so early on. He didn’t let all those less then fun days harden his soul. He made choices to set boundaries, to trust his gut and voice his opinion if he feels he needs too. I know he’s paying attention to the important things in life, the things my mom taught me and the things I try to remember to live by for his own eyes to see.

You can preach to your kids, talk to them about being a good person and make sure they can wash a dish and do the laundry. Maybe they won’t take it all in, maybe they will take what they want from it and that may be just fine. Or you can live it and they won’t know anything else. My mom lived it. Living it is hard work!. She lived it so well that she probably didn’t even need to say “learn to support and take care of yourself, be independent “. I will never come close to being the woman my mom is but I will do what I can to be the best mom I can be for my son. Lots of people know amazing people. I know hundreds, I’m blessed! Knowing good, kind, selfless people is something I have come to be so thankful for and it inspires goodness and drives me to be a better person. I hate to make anyone envious or flaunt things but I don’t just know amazing people, I was RAISED BY ONE! I was raised by a woman so rare and extraordinary that god knew we would be fine with just her as our one and only, day to day provider, confidant, role model and Parent.

I know that now because in a room filled with people I was the only one who wrote an “awesome” message from “an amazing parent”.

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